It’s been slightly more than a year since my last blog post and a lot has happened. I’ve had to retire from my professional League of Legends career due to being unable to deal with the buildup of stress, and personal flaws that I could no longer ignore.
As a kid, professional gaming was the only future I could see myself in. I vividly remember telling my parents when I was only 12 years old that I was going to be a pro gamer. I didn’t even play League seriously yet and I wasn’t referring to it when I told them, but I knew that a regular job wasn’t going to work for me. I have been blessed to have the opportunity to follow my dreams and blessed that my parents supported me the entire way.
There are a lot of decisions I wish I could take back and as I get older I realize how ignorant I am. I could have been so good, and I knew that, which made me want to work harder and thus became more isolated. This isolation never allowed me to feel comfortable in my personal and professional life and was the major reason I didn’t perform well on stage and ruined multiple friendships irreparably. I finally figured this all out a few splits ago but I didn’t want to quit yet, however it became very clear during my last split that forcing myself to compete instead of stopping was mentally torturous. Everybody gives up on their dreams at some point but the realization and acceptance that I could have achieved it had I only changed a few things really hurt.
With that being said, it really only hurt because the only thing that mattered to me was winning. The reason I knew I wanted to be a pro was because I couldn’t foresee myself living a healthy and happy life doing anything else. However with the help of some of the few friends that I did manage to get close with, that has actually changed. Now I can see myself having a variety of possible jobs and even a regular 9–5 job sounds nice to me. And because of that it allows me to be at peace with my decision and not regret it. This is quite a serious case of first world problems and I recognize that I was incredibly lucky to be able to compete at all. I’m not going “Oh nooooo I could only compete for 8 years and not forever FRICK life is so unfair…” When I look back at my time I still feel a sense of sadness but I know that in the future I will look at it with pride.
Right now I’m not sure what I’m gonna do with my life. Everything is in flux and currently I am focusing on bettering my mental and physical health. I just had my first session (no writing this was not my homework) and I am trying to cut my body fat% and lose a few pounds so that my belly is gone. There are very long term goals I have for my physical health (such as doing a pullup) and I am starting my fitness journey to hopefully achieve all those goals and more. I am slightly anxious about the future but I feel everything is going to be okay.
Anyways I know all of you are screaming at your screens saying “NATE WE DON’T CARE, TELL US WHAT YOU ARE GOING TO DO WITH THE BLOG.” Alright first off, my name’s Nick so like… what the hell. And second, I’m getting to it now okay like couldn’t you just let me finish? Jeez. Anyhoo the answer is I’m not sure. I hope that cleared things up. No but seriously I’m not really sure, I might combine life updates with book stuff or only do book stuff or only life updates or I’ll just vent on it. Albeit my open-minded nature’s grandeur’s usually sus. For now though I have one small thing I want to complain about and that’ll be it.
Imagine you are reading a book and the title is “Murder in the locked Room” Very original I know but imagine that half way through the book, you find out that nobody dies in a locked room but there was a heist going the whole time and that is the actual plot. Now I like a good heist plot but that’s not what the book is supposed to be about? Why did you call it that? Like just call it Ocean’s Eleven that sounds cool, why is it “Murder in the Locked Room” nobody dies in the whole story? Am I the only one that would be really bothered if that were to happen? Like the actual story could be excellent but it would greatly bother me if the title made no sense at all. Anyways nobody is stupid enough to actually do it right so it’s okay ha..ha…..ha. Anyways the thing I’m reading which I will not name because OBVIOUSLY SPOILERS CAUSE IT HAS NOTHING TO FUCKING DO WITH THE STORY BUT ITS A SPOILER BECAUSE YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO THINK IT DOES BUT IT WAS PLANNED THE ENTIRE TIME TO BE A FALSE MEMORY I’m liking a decent amount but I would have way preferred the original premise but the new one is good too I GUESS.
That’s it from me, thank you for reading my blog. I am notoriously bad at keeping my release promises but I will try to write another one in a month at most. I love you all and have a wonderful day.